i'm less suicidal than i was when i was LDS, even though i feel like my life has absolutely no purpose now. but being less suicidal just means i'm not driving myself out to remote locations with a gun, writing notes, and crying everytime i arrived to a destination without getting into a fatal car accident (ahhh, the BYU years). it's always still there, whispering in my fucking brainstem, aching to shut shit down for good.
realizing that you really are all alone and the universe doesn't give two shits and fuck about you almost paralyzes me sometimes. maybe that's why i work harder than ever--because i know its all on me.
there is also the sense of relief that comes with the belief (or hope) that consciousness ends at death. this is a nice thought.
i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i've lost a lot of roles to fill.
okay, i'm done bitching now.
1 comment:
the thought of consciousness ending at death scares the hell out of me. I'm not sure why, if i'm not conscious it's not like i'll know the difference . . . .
Anyway, i'm glad you're slightly less suicidal (thought i don't really have a frame of reference for how suicidal you were when you were at the Y since you never really talked about it), maybe you should take up Buddhism or something to fill the void.
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