somewhere, someone explains thusly:

I'm an unobtainable fossilized version of myself. The problem is that because D.Q. has been mass produced and my drawing about it is digitally reproduced it's aura has been decayed, and it's location in space and time has been voided and it's cult value has been replaced with exhibition. But the fact that I chose Grant as my phallus was totally unconscious but we we're on facebook chat at the time.

I can't deny it anymore

the void that mormonism left in my life is almost unbearable. slightly more bearable than being mormon, but barely. 

i'm less suicidal than i was when i was LDS, even though i feel like my life has absolutely no purpose now. but being less suicidal just means i'm not driving myself out to remote locations with a gun, writing notes, and crying everytime i arrived to a destination without getting into a fatal car accident (ahhh, the BYU years). it's always still there, whispering in my fucking brainstem, aching to shut shit down for good. 

realizing that you really are all alone and the universe doesn't give two shits and fuck about you almost paralyzes me sometimes. maybe that's why i work harder than ever--because i know its all on me.

there is also the sense of relief that comes with the belief (or hope) that consciousness ends at death. this is a nice thought. 

i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. i've lost a lot of roles to fill. 

okay, i'm done bitching now. 

Existential Crisis Averted:

Tony Soprano: 

"So he's sitting there and he asks me 'if there's no god, why was I born?' He tells me he's got no purpose..."

"I told him it costs about 150 grand to bring him up so far, so if he's got no purpose I want a fucking refund."

You know who you are