there are more flies in here than there ever

used to be and the smell of urine is overwhelming, even for someone like me, who makes a career of smelling urine and cleaning shit.

i was just going to take out the trash, dressed only in a torn up wife-beater and kimono-donning penguin pajama pants, when she accosted me.

the old lady below me is like one of those trap-door spiders and i am her prey. she sits at her window all day with her door slightly ajar, waiting for me or any other of the neighbors to walk outside, then, in a matter of milliseconds, she has pounced, latched, and bitten, and escape is just something you think about while she is slowly taking your life.

the only warning she gives you is a swift whiff of urine-stench, announcing her door is open.

i tell the spider woman i can't walk her around because i'm in my pajamas, but she doesn't care. she stomps her foot, and almost crying, pleads that i at least get her across the street.

they don't tell you this on the discovery channel, but tears are how black widow's get the men to stay long enough to mate. most people assume the men do themselves in with their insatiable sex drive, but that's never been as powerful as a woman's tears. they won't tell you this because it smacks in the face of evolutionary theory and just sounds pathetic, but trust me, the truth is always pathetic.

so i take her hand (which will now smell like old person/urine for an entire afternoon, no matter how much soap i use) and she needs to get her keys and purse, so we walk into her lair.

like i said before, the flies have now taken up residence in the spider woman's lair and i almost gag when i see why:

used adult diapers, strewn all over the counter, barstools, and couch.

from what i can tell, the smell was mostly urine, so i really wandered where all the shit was.

she said she needed to get milk from the corner store. i see an unopened milk carton on her ottoman, and i tell her she has some right here, right here on the ottoman.

i'm relieved that she now no longer needs to go out, and i was off the hook.

but it's never that easy with spiders (or women).

she says she needs to get out anyway, that it's good for her hip.

the guy downstairs said the landlord was evicting the old spider woman and i didn't believe it, but i see a letter with the property management company's letterhead on her coffee table.

she asked me my name, like she does every time, and i tell her something different than the truth, just as a joke to myself. i tell her my name is elijah, and i was sent here to bind up the testimony and seal up the law, and she just smiled and said it was a pretty name.

i lead her out and down the 5 stairs of our apartment building, when it starts.

just down to the sidewalk.

just down the curb.

just across the street.

just a little further.

in between each sentence i remind her i'm in my penguins, and she says something about "Tony's Antiques and Collectibles" like she didn't hear me.

if this is a good deed, i understand why boy scouts are a dying breed.

i tell her i have to go, i'm in my pajamas, and she stops and tells me that she keeps passing this one penny everyday and she wonders what's wrong with the world these days because no one picks it up.

she says (in a weird, lyrical manner, waving her hands as if conducting a song), "hasn't anyone heard the saying: pick up a penny and find good luck, don't pick up the penny and get...uh...bad luck."

i laugh and tell her i haven't heard that one.

then she says, well...

..aren't you going to pick it up?

she's pointing her cane down a rock in the cement.

i sigh and tell her it's a rock ( i demonstrate this by kicking it with my foot, showing her it doesn't move).

while she's dumbfounded, i tell her i'm in my pajamas and i have to go.

then i go and wash my hands profusely.