it really wasn't necessary to say there was blood everywhere

but i say it anyway.

she was still and calm and i had never seen her like this before. she was drained and she was still and for once, everyone in the room was completely silent.

the only color on her face was the few drops of blood coming out of her nose and mouth. she was still and i checked her pulse only to confirm what i already knew. it was just a gesture for the sake of a gesture. there was nothing else to do but close her eyes, cover her, and clean up.

she had been up to her usual tricks just an hour ago, and now i'm on the phone to figure out what to do with what was left of her. we all had her blood on us, and we knew it.

all this knowing never put a stop to anything.

they brought the plastic bag and i struggled to put her in it. no one else could do it, but it had to be done, so i did it.

i knew i was the only one who could take her where she was had go, so i washed the blood off as best i could and put on some new gloves. she was in her bag, on a table with wheels, and i was pushing it as fast as i could.

she bounced and jiggled with every irregularity in the cement. i knew if i didn't hurry this would all be a waste. her life and death would not mean anything, and knowing that it was up to me to make it worth two shits made me breathe shorter breathes than i already was.

i picked her up off the table knowing it was the last time i'd feel her weight in my arms. they said to put her in the freezer out by the loading dock.

i fumbled for my key to the icebox but my hands were not connected to my body. i forced my attention away from knowing the clock was against me and back to the keys i was barely keeping in my hand.

at this point, her neural tissue was probably already worthless and i was robbed of any goodbyes. i threw her in the bin labeled "to be processed," but she bounced out on fell into the "processed" container. i fished her out, getting another set of gloves covered in blood.

her weight in my hands once again felt like the providence of god. i knew she was gone, but this one last, unplanned touch was all i needed to cast her off.

another bath in soap and beta-dine and i'm with her on the stainless steel table where she is cut open and processed. i try not to watch as they inspect her insides. i try not to watch when they take the saw to her scalp, only to tell me its been too long to save the brain.

i walk out with a clip of her hair and one 5mm vial of her blood. that's all that's left worth using.

i knew this was futile, i just didn't know how futile.

the last time i went through this, at least i was there, holding her head and touching her hair when she let out that long, final exhale. at least i knew she wasn't alone.