no one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming...

so, it turns out, leaving a nineteenth century religious movement is harder than anticipated. though gone are the days of Zion, the United Order, and the Pure in Heart, it seems that they still want to hang on (even if its only for hanging on's sake) to me no matter what the cost to my self-worth or feelings.

they say, how could this have happened? i wish i had an adequate explanation. i wish i could graph it on some sort of axis, but parabolas never did serve self-expression very well.

an attempt to sum up my feelings:

politics have replaced prophecy and tradition seems to have trumped a search for truth.

(assuming prophecy and truth ever had a place in our tradition at all)

or:

so great was my hunger and thirst for truth that i started checking church history for nutritional content, only to find it full of fructose corn syrup, empty calories, and, even though the label said otherwise, transfats.

or:

if truth is indeed reason, then all i see in this chapel is wholesale treason

II.

in these few months i've been called everything from a liar to son of perdition. brothers and sisters, doing what they see as right, are attempting to heap on the guilt and the cognitive dissonance in an effort to bring me back. then ends always justify the means.

just like when church historians are excommunicated for writing about events that actually occurred, instead of omitting them for not being what the brethren would call "faith-promoting." ruin a few lives in order to keep the majority from knowing anything but propaganda. ends and means, ends and means.

paul said faith is belief in things not seen that are true. what then, is faith in things not seen because of blind allegiance and not true because of the patriarchy's attempts to retain power?

when we finally looked into the double-helix, we've found that Israel is indeed lost. no apologies or explanations, only one edit that no one noticed in a version of scripture that no member will ever read.

we've tread on the legacy of our forebearers who wasted and wore out their lives fighting to keep the federal government out of the most private parts of worship and humanity. after the sting of being trampled by unsympathetic and close-minded majority has worn off, we combine forces with the Great and Abominable (though we don't call them that to their faces) to do the same to another minority that struggles for its rights to express their love.

it's simple math:

ends over means always equals hypocrisy.

III.

as john says, there is no room for room temperature testimonies, and mine had been that way for too long. so now here i am, chewed and spewed and dying for some sort of solidarity.

the void is great and the replacement world views are few. in fact i've found that i can't be convinced of anything. the only thing i've tried to do that seems right is narrow the distance between what i think and what i do or say. some face validity for once. that's what got me here, maybe that'll be what gets me out.

there is no creation myth that can reveal what i am to do with no creation myth. it's all unraveled and all unknown.

MYSTERIUM TREMENDUM